Don ‘Shanks’ One into the Not So Rough

An Expatriate Update

September 2004: The nnomads Golf Club Committee is delighted to report on the outcome of a recent inquiry into the existence of Don Johnson. Significant concern was expressed at the last committee meeting about whether Don was actually sending in score cards. There was some suspicion that someone else may just be having a lend of us. “I haven’t seen him in years. Does he really exist?” Questioned The Cardinal. “He doesn’t answer emails, he never rings or writes, he hasn’t been seen in Australia for years.” Stavros confirmed. “Fair point, anyone could be sending in those cards, there have been different email addresses, and he never says much.” added GMAC. “I’m not sure I’ve met him? Who is this guy, a virtual member?” questioned The Captain. For those who don’t know Don: He is an Australian expatriate living in California, who now happens to be first on the nnomads Golf Club 2004 Ladder. A few months ago Don (a longstanding but hibernating nnomad), suddenly awoke and started to submit golf scores from his abode in the hills behind Malibu Beach. Because he plays, and submits his cards from overseas, he gets a bonus point for every game he submits. Thus, playing regularly and getting 2 points per 18-hole card, he has zoomed up the ladder into 1st place. This meteoric rise to fame has not gone unnoticed among the ranks of the members, and questions were being asked about this Phantom (as reported in the last Quarterly Update). Direct Investigation Showed DJ Does Exist The Club committee decided it had to establish whether Don Johnson still existed, and whether he was really playing golf regularly (per the rate reflected on the League Ladder). Stavros was appointed Chief Investigator and flew to the US last week to see what the hell was going on. “He’s there all right and yes he is playing the golf, and at some very nice courses may I say. It’s all in the report.” commented Stavros as he arrived back in Australia. An executive committee meeting was held last night to consider the findings of the investigation. In a press statement made by Nurse Min this morning (as part of his promotional push for the Balnarring Invitational Tournament (2^nd October at Eagle Ridge – Last Chance, Can take one more group. See Stavros or Nurse Min immediately), he said the main findings of the investigation were as follows: Findings of The Investigation Don Johnson is alive and well. He continues to develop his ponds, waterfalls and water gardens business in the wealthier suburbs of LA and lives in a great two roomed residence in the foothills behind Malibu Beach. He is in a private situation on land with spectacular views of hills in the foreground and then out to sea. He has access to a number of great courses of high quality (and price) and regularly plays with mates (or anyone) at River Ridge Golf Club, about 30 minutes from his place. He has heaps of golf paraphernalia, multiple sets of golf clubs (very convenient for visitors) and has the golf channel on almost all of the time he is at home. “We watched the Rider Cup live whenever we were there. I just couldn’t understand why he bothered to pay for the other 300 channels on his satellite TV.” commented Stavros in the report. Stavros concluded from the evidence that it was highly likely that Don was indeed playing regularly and thus submitting score cards regularly In addition, the investigation found that Don is definitely human because he had a shocker round with Stavros on the Saturday at River Ridge, with a 96 while Stavros was OK at 103 (considering his damaged body, jet lagged and out of form state at the time). Training Administered Don was given special member training. He was told to submit both 9 hole scores and the total when submitting 18 hole scores on the web site. He claimed to have been doing this for some time. “I’m not a bloody mind reader. You have got to tell me the rules. I did it once I was told.” he said in his defence (Note: the submit score facility on the site specifically states, scores should be submitted in nine-hole units. Ed). The author is sure all local members know that when submitting score cards on the web site (any score card, played anywhere, with anyone – every card gets some ladder points and importantly, it contributes to the accuracy of your club handicap) you must put in the scores for every nine holes played whether 9 or 18 holes. If you only put in the 18 hole score you don’t get the points (but the score does contribute to your 18 hole history and handicap). It was also explained that Rules of the Club state that the winner of the annual The nnomads Golf Club Championship (the member that tops the league ladder at the end of each year), has to be able to accept the cup ‘in person’. (Although on occasions Winners can’t attend the presentations but this is an extraordinary circumstance that is treated by the Committee on a case-by-case basis. Ex-pat membership status wouldn’t cut as an excuse for non-attendance). Request For Rule Clarification Don pointed out that there is no incentive to submit score cards as an ex-pat if the member didn’t have a chance of winning the cup. He argued that a rule is a rule and needed to be interpreted properly. The term ‘in person’ doesn’t necessarily mean the ‘winner in person’. He stated that if he ever won The Cup and couldn’t attend the presentations, he always intended to appoint a proxy who could accept the cup personally on his behalf. “They would be accepting the cup personally. As a proxy they would be representing me, in other words I would be accepting the cup personally via my proxy. That’s what the rule requires. It’s as simple as that.” Decision Deferred to Full Meeting of Committee The Executive Committee was not in a position to make a decision at last night’s meeting and deferred the decision to a meeting of the full Committee, to be held during a spare minute at the Balnarring Invitational Tournament (2^nd October at Eagle Ridge – Last Chance, Can take one more group. See Stavros or Nurse Min immediately). Summary Conclusions The final assessment showed that Don Johnson is certainly not doing it rough and is playing quality golf regularly. The report concluded that he has a great chance of winning the 2004 Cup due to the obscure Overseas Bonus Point Rule. It also concluded that Don had an extremely good argument about use of a proxy. The report recommended the issue be canvassed with Club members and a decision be made by the Club Committee (at the BIT - 2^nd October at Eagle Ridge – Last Chance, can take one more group. See Stavros or Nurse Min immediately)! Note: The Club would like to acknowledge the generous and anonymous support of a nameless pharmaceutical company for its sponsorship of the travel costs associated with the US investigation.

September 2004: Photo proof that Don Johnson still exists. Shown here in front of his ‘Chevy Truck’. The great views from Don’s driveway along the Malibu coastline back towards LA.! Don outside his home in the hills behind Malibu in California Don’s is a busy man! Yes, I am alive!